Today I have named terrible Tuesday..I was sitting rocking my son to sleep this morning for his nap thinking about my life. I know all in about 25 mins right...well while I was thinking, I thought of what my fiance thinks of me well I should say how he thinks of me. I came up with that he thinks I am very demanding, superficial and materialistic. Because I asked for flowers and chocolates for valentines day and demanded he take me out since last year he didn't. I bugged him endlessly about getting engaged and flaunted ring apone ring in front of him all the time. I also constantly buy new things here and there and/or ask him to buy them for me. I didn't like hearing all this all in my head because i don't think of myself like that. But I am!!
I do not want to be that kind of person! I feel horrible hearing and reading all that know about myself...Zack is the best guy I have ever meant and on top of that he has tolerated all of my shit I have put him through from moving across the U.S. to horrible debt! He still loves me "unconditionally" and I couldn't ask for a better fiance. I want to be the best person for him and take care of him not make him constantly take care of me. He deserves so much better then I give him.
Another thing I realized today..I need to stop pushing people who love me away. I don't have alot of family that are there for me and care about me. The ones that do love me and care about me and Boone I keep pushing away. Jenny for instance...she is the only Grandma Boone has and I have been (well still am) so nervous to let her babysit Boone because I do not like her drinking problem she has. But for some reason till today I didn't realize she would never let that interfere with taking care of Boone. She would never hurt him or let anything happen to him. She loves him more than anything in this world and I just never thought about it. I am so dang protective of him that I think only I know how to take care of him. I need to loosen up just a little...just a little!! There are times when i think she needs a break she has gone through alot and is going though alot with raising a daughter (teenage one at that) and being engaged to a man no one in the family likes what so ever. You have to accept people for who they are and what they do, if they don't want to change you either accept it or have to tolerate it because they are your family. One thing Zack had taught me over the years we have been together is "You can't make someone change, they have to want to" this has been a hard lesson to learn! I have to learn to accept people for what they are and what they do!! Another instance is My mom she doesn't want to be part of our lives right now, or better yet doesn't know how with her addiction problem, and my dad lives so far away plus we don't have the closest relationship anyway. So I need to accept the family I have here that do want to be part of my life. They aren't out to ruin my life or make it harder for Zack and I but are here to endure everything I have going on and love me for who I am!!
I had to get that out on the table because some days I can be really smart and think about all this stuff from outside the box and some days. Like Zack likes to say "I am only using 5% of my brain".
Enjoy the sun we have it keeps peaking through here and there and have a wonderful Tuesday!